forty-eight pages until self-destruct
Hello there, and thank you for reading my very first newsletter! A space where intrusive thoughts and 'getting my life on track' intersect.
It was a day neatly fitted between 2013 and 2014 in Ms. Belmont's AP English class. A kind, familiar hand offered me a small notebook titled Field Notes.
"I bought a pack of three; would you like one?"
A blank notebook. Here comes the existential crisis.
I graciously accepted the thin notebook. Warm and buzzing inside, I recognized this opportunity to splash the innards of my mind on a page. Plus, it was an unexpected gift. The moment felt sweeter than I could fully comprehend at the time.
Years later, the familiar hand is nowhere to be found, and the notebook has the first twenty pages or so torn out. No spellbinding innards splashed on the pages, no clever insights, no memories, but it did hold one thing. Fear.
Why didn't I fill the pages with fragments of my nightly dreams?
Or with half-finished poems written at inopportune times?
At least then, I would have done the notebook justice and had something to look over all these years later.
An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force… or so Newton said. There I was. A vibrant, young creative in motion. So what unbalanced force derailed me from expressing myself? Dancing anymore? Singing badly but assertively? Writing down my dreams and poems? Exploring and being curious without shame? Once a week, I will attempt to answer this question and many more.
I am a writer who was afraid to write.
And a painter afraid to paint.
And a lover afraid to love.
A human being afraid to be. Essentially.
After many years of renouncing joy, I now give in. I give into the fullness of life and its constant impossible paradoxes. Life is always on both sides of the spectrum, in-between, and nothing at all. All at once. And shoving down my interests and desires was not doing me any good. It is time to allow it all to resurface, one by one. I am calling this journey Field Notes on Love and Life. The following newsletters are observations and reflections collected throughout my time on Earth.
May it be a beautiful unraveling story filled with wonder.
May it also offer solace to those who also fear a blank notebook.
Let us face our scary monsters together.
- RissaJean
Ready to face my scary monsters!
Oh, I so very much resonate with your words and experience shared here. I love your intentions and echo your hope, "May it be a beautiful unraveling story filled with wonder." Thank you! ♡