focus is everything
NOT a self-help post
I’m finally coming out of the whirlwind that has been this week. I showed my house to a realtor and cried for the next 19 hours. Then I drove over 400 miles, watched The Ultimatum with my little sister, and forgot the rest of the world existed.
You get more of what you focus on. Post-breakdown all I wanted to focus on was feeling better.
Jelly beans.
Chocolate rooibos tea.
And giggles with my sis.
Now sitting here at my dad’s, I was looking through my files and decided to pull out a piece that he encouraged me to write about 5 years ago. It was for a short film he was interested in creating.
His prompt was to define my life. I was 23 then. Nearly 28 now.
I’ve edited it slightly to fit my current writing style. Here is a short excerpt.
My happiness has danced to funk, Syncopated smiles and deep bass, Like the first time I tried Acid, Or said “no” to a lover.
My aching heart has danced with the blues, Pinging like a slippery guitar string every time Mom would break the news.
The blues lasted a while - soothing the ache, Because you wouldn’t hug a defensive snake, Clever was I with fangs poised and poisoned, That first bite - a tail all too familiar.
My time is not linear, It curves and coils. I’ve never been very good at recalling dates or telling a story in order.
I was six, I was fearless and clumsy, Like a drunk jazz member. Little feet ran and tripped in hibiscus-embossed sandals, Knee. Concrete. Scream.
To my dad, I was a wounded little angel – and I have never felt like that since.
This brief preview (the original poem now annoys me) has helped me see my current situation differently.
By shifting my focus from the overwhelming landscape of house selling and “adulting” to the mindset of the younger me dealing with depression, anxiety, remarrying, family blending, deceit, and addiction - I realize that things can be as heavy as you’d like them to be. My life is no more difficult or dizzying than it ever has been. It’s just playing a different tune.
Reframe your focus.
You can zoom in and magnify a “problem” or scan to find a comforting solution.
It can be as heavy as addiction guiding your every move or as simple as tossing a buttered popcorn jelly bean into your mouth.
So, I will choose to allow this new transition in my life to help me grow and expand into the person I want to be - even if I have to water my soil with my own tears.
-RissaJean